COVID

Lunch at Caffery's last year.

I dodged it for 2 and a half years. 

Coming home from vacation, I had this grand plan in my mind... unpack, finish all the blog posts, get things in order and get back to real life but life had other plans..... Kyle and I ended up with COVID; we ended up also giving COVID to my parents and his roommate. It was unexpected and not how we wanted an end to our great vacation. Kyle and  I felt such a guilt that I know the reason my parents got COVID was because of us and that was really hard for me to process the first few days. 

Looking back, I had all these what if questions swirling around in my mind but I can't go back in time. We have to deal with what the cards were dealt and go from there. 

My parents and I all took a room in the house and quarantined ourselves. We all ended up having different symptoms- fevers, cough, sore throat, and fatigue. Thank goodness for technology to be able to chat with each other but it wasn't the same as talking in person. I liked to think we are a family that is pretty close- its just us three. We try to eat dinner with each other as much as we can. During our quarantine, it was so hard for us to eat dinner alone in our separate rooms. By day 6, we all were a little sad. 

I masked up and picked us up lunch and we finally after 6 days apart, got to eat a meal together. Before eating, mama said a prayer of thanks that we were all feeling better. It was probably the best meal we ate all week. 

I am beyond grateful that we were able to deal with the symptoms of COVID on our own and not be hospitalized. I started to think about how others were not as lucky and how lonely quarantine/isolation really is. We are meant to be together, interact with other humans and feel the goodness it is to be around others. 

Kyle and his roommate are feeling better too, as I write this. 

You can do just about everything to protect yourself from COVID but sometimes, it just happens. 

[[Well, it's a mystery I suppose how long this thing goes. Six Feet Apart- Luke Combs]]

PS. We will be back to my regularly scheduled posts next week. I have some catch up to do, since I am feeling better. 

The beginning of the end?

 COVID.....ugh.

Today marks the official end of the public health emergency New Jersey's governor put into effect on March 7, 2020. 

2020 seems like 3 lifetimes ago yet it also seems like yesterday. For the past two years, I kept thinking, this is all a bad dream and we are going to wake up and it will be March 13, 2020 again and things will be totally different. 

March 13, 2020 for me is when the shit really hit the fan. I had a terrible day and my welcome screen on my computer was this ominous black and white photo of a mountain with clouds AND its was Friday the 13th. what could go wrong?!

You know in the beginning where it was two weeks to flatten the curve, everyone was excited to have time off, to be home /work for home. The memes that were floating around the internet were hilarious and while we all tried to make light of this situation but people were fighting for their lives in the hospitals and the front line workers were fighting something that they didn't have proper protection for. They were experiencing all the uncertainty, the rest of the country was facing but they couldn't stay home, they had to work.  We never thought in our wildest dreams that in 2022, we would still be in this mess, its much less then what it was but nonetheless, were still in it.

In March and April 2020, I wrote a lot about my thoughts and feels on COVID-19 and how confused and scared and nervous I was because everything was so new and unknown. Writing had helped me process what I was feeling and what was happening. After a while, I stopped watching the news, it got to be too much for me and I just couldn't take it anymore. 

COVID had brought a lot of things into perspective for me and reflecting back on the what life was like before COVID. I think in these past two years, I have grown into someone that I am starting to really like. Does this new person still have some growing to do? HECK YES! But she seems to be on the right path and in the right direction. I don't think I would be this person if COVID didn't happen. Things work out in the weird ways. 

As we enter into the end-emic stage (I don't know if we are truthfully, but I would like to think so seeing how restrictions are become less and less and life is slowly returning to normal), I am thankful for all the hard times and how I've grown during this time. I guess everything happens for a reason but to be honest, I wish this didn't happen the way it did. 

Looking back in the photos/screenshots I took back in  March of 2020, I found this:

I believe it was from I ♡intelligence and I feel this is the perfect way to end this post, may we never take for granted the small things we have missed over the past two years.

[[Its not going to be this hard forever]]

Ps. Below are the posts, I wrote previous on COVID-19:

On COVID-19

The New Normal

Thoughts on Quarantine and COVID

Friday Favorites March 20, 2020

Friday Favorites March 27, 2020

Friday Favorites April 3, 2020

Friday Favorites April 17, 2020

Favorite Masks

Quarantine: 1 Year In

Quarantine: 1 year in

Its been one year. Three Hundred Sixty Five Days. Five Hundred Twenty Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes.

One year that some of us have been working from home. One year that we haven't been able to hug our loved ones. One year that some kids have not had in person instruction. One year that some business' closed thinking they were going to reopen but never did. 

We have been through a multitude of changes, emotions and thoughts over this past year. We have implemented new ways of living and communicating and working. Life as we knew if changed this past year. We have made it through this year- maybe not in ways we thought but we made it. We have lost loved ones in the process and that weighs heavily on those families and others. Losing a loved one is already terrible but adding the restrictions of quarantine, it makes it even more worse. My heart hurts for all those who lost someone during the past year and couldn't be with them.

Among the already hard to process year, there were other things happening that made it even harder. Acts of racism, weather emergencies and a hotly contested election were all mixed into the mess. Watching the news became overwhelming. The mayhem of 2020 didn't stop when the clock hit midnight on December 31, 2020 and we all rang in 2021. January was even more of a mess and to be honest, it made me really sad to see the United States to be falling apart, a little more each month. 

-------

I use my daily planner as a journal. I went back to March 2020 to read what I was feeling and during that time. I am so glad that I kept a pretty good account of what I was feeling during this uncertain time. 

These are some of the words that kept re-occurring from the first 40 days in quarantine:

"hopeless" "anxious" "distracted" "stressful" "confused" "messy" "emotional" "weird mood" "worried" "lonely" "drained" 

From what I have read and what I have heard from friends, they all had the same feelings. I didn't feel so alone. During the first 40 days, I was a mess and terrified and still working in office. We had a schedule that had only half of the office working at a time. We did that for a month and then we went back to normal- all hands on deck right after Mothers Day.  Looking back, I was so thankful for normalcy of working in an office during those early months. Was it weird? absolutely. Was it scary? yes. Did I worry I was going to get sick or worse, get my parents sick? YES! I ended up being a contact of a contact a few times.

The state continued to work at home throughout most of the year and some days, I was mad that I couldn't work at home. After speaking to multiple different people and having them say how jealous they were that I was actually in the office, I felt better about working in office all the time.

It seemed as we headed into May, I was feeling better about this new normal we were in. I was regularly taking walks around the neighborhood and I started to walk in Ocean Gate. I felt comfortable enough being around others outside and most importantly, my heart wasn't racing ALL the time; just some of the time. 

Early on, I tried to read more books since I had the time. It just wasn't working.  I couldn't concentrate and nothing seemed interesting to me. I started binge watching different things- Survivor, Greek- and watching movies. I felt like a bum, but I was trying to give myself grace. By August the book bug

From June to September, I had 11 paddle board sessions on the creek with Adrienne. I enjoyed that so much and to tell you the truth, it seemed like things were normal, if only for those couple of hours on the water. I was so excited about paddle boarding, I bought my own paddle board during Body Glove's black Friday sale. 

I hoped and prayed that by the fall things would get back to normal but they didn't. As we approached the winter, things didn't look better. In the summer and fall, outdoor eating was allowed but I did not feel comfortable yet to try that. 

Previous posts on COVID:

On COVID-19

The New Normal

Thoughts on Quarantine and COVID

Favorite Masks

Friday Favorites March 20, 2020

Friday Favorites March 27, 2020

Friday Favorites April 3, 2020

Thoughts on Quarantine and COVID

Hello month 6 of Quarantine and COVID-19. Back in April, I wrote a post about the new normal we were living in and my thoughts one month into quarantine. You can read it here.

I have been thinking about everything that has transpired in the past 6 months and I am still in disbelief this happened. Now don't get me wrong, I totally understand what is happening and why we are quarantining and social distancing but it still seems foreign. How in the world did we wake up on March 14th and the whole world changed and what's even weirder, the last normal day for us was March 13th AKA Friday the 13th- the most notorious bad luck day; it makes me laugh a lot. It would be our luck.

I am smart but wrapping my head around all the information is hard. In the beginning I was very overwhelmed and unsure what to think. My emotions were all over the place and I was a mess. I felt like it was taken very seriously by some people and then other people didn't take it seriously. After six months, I still think its a mixed bag of peoples reactions and how they feel about this.

Here in New Jersey, most of the restrictions has been lifted and most places are back open and school started yesterday. I feel as if we are being held under these emergency orders that have been in place since March is a little overkill at this point. We all need to assess the risks for ourselves and do what we think is right. COVID definitely has not gone away but we learned to live around the flu and other virus' that have popped up. We should be able to live around COVID as well. 

[[Can I just make a point how stupid we-The United States- must look that we have to be told to wash our hands? WHAT?!]]

I am all for wearing a mask and keeping others safe. It seems like the simplest way to protect ourselves and others. In March, mask wearing wasn't really a thing yet and I felt since I had to go through security in my building, I should wear a mask. Sometimes there would be one guard, sometimes five. I would put the mask on to get through security and then rip it off once I was away from them. I would almost have a panic attack every time I put the mask on. My heart would start to race and all I could focus on was the thing over my face. We now have to wear a mask if we are in a common area of the building but in our own offices, we can remove them. Now after wearing a mask daily for a few months, my heart still races, not as terrible and I feel more comfortable wearing it. Maybe its because I bought "cute" masks, maybe I am getting used to it, who knows but I will continue to wear the mask because if that will keep me safe and you safe, I am all for it. 

Speaking of keeping safe, I am in the group of "immunocompromised persons" and its scary to think I am relying on others to keep me safe, I have come to realize that I can only control what I am doing.  I choose to limit my interaction with others by going to stores early in the day, and avoiding super crowded places. I have waited until August to set up doctor appointments and get my hair cut. The only consistent place I have gone is work. 

Work has been weird. The public has not been allowed into my building since March 17th and while that has been very nice, it was very strange in the beginning. I work in a busy building that the public frequents all the time. To see no one but (limited) employees in the hallways, is strange. I've gotten used to it and while its nice not to have those interruptions, I wonder how its going to look once the public is allowed back in. 

Another thing that in the beginning, was hard to understand was, working in the office and not from home. I was angry that we were in a building during the height of it. We had a social distancing schedule for a few months where half the office would come in on certain days and the other half would come the other days. I am lucky that I have my own office, this helped the anger I had, coming into the office. Lysol was/is my friend in those early days and keeping my windows open for fresh air made it even better. I employed a lot of different calming techniques during the day when I was overwhelmed- deep breathing, stretch breaks and yoga on my lunch. 

One thing that didn't not slow down was our workload. We were inundated with mail- since that was the only thing we could do without the public. All of our in person processes became mail in processes. It was weird in the beginning trying to explain to people what they had to mail into us but now its old hat. I am thankful in one way that we have been so busy, it kept my mind off of all the unknowns. I heard some of the other offices like mine have been closed since March and I couldn't imagine the amount of mail that has piled up in the past six months. I would cry; looking back at what I have done in six months, the volume is insane.

I relied heavily on my therapist in the beginning of the pandemic. I think one of the sessions in the beginning, I broke down and cried to her via a virtual session. I never had done that in my 5 years of seeing a therapist. It felt like I hit a wall and I was stuck. She listened and validated my feelings and provided me with some things that I could do to keep the overwhelming feelings at bay. 

Exercising really helped with the feelings. I tried virtual yoga classes with a few different instructors; I tired Pure Barre with Andrea Rodgers on Openfit; Country Heat and Cize on Beachbody; long walks around my neighborhood and by the river and Standup Paddleboarding on the creek were my favorites overall. I knew I needed a distraction and exercise totally helped. After the spring, I only really stuck with walks and paddleboarding in the summer. Now its the fall, I am going to try to incorporate one or two virtual classes a week. I know I need to move my body more and I think it would be beneficial in so many ways. 

I stayed in contact with friends sporadically. I know everyone has been having their own challenges with how they are dealing with all of this. I know personally, I become withdrawn from others when things get hard. I am stubborn and tend not to ask for help. Even though, I don't speak to my friends often, I pray for them and their families each day and hope everything is okay. 

Its September and I feel like I have a routine (which is something that I thrive in) and its a newer normal than it was back in March. I feel like we all have somewhat come to terms with this and we are doing our best. I am hoping something changes and I hope people learn from this. I pray that we all make it through this and we are grateful in the end for the small things we have been missing over the past 6 months.

Looking forward, what the next six months brings? I have no idea but hope that things get slowly better. As much as I want things to get back to normal, I don't think normal will look like what we were used to. It will be different and I know one day in the future we will talk about this crazy time but for now, I am not complaining about this new normal- it could always be worse. 

[[Do what makes you feel comfortable ]]

How are you dealing with everything? 

-gabrielle

Favorite Masks

Masks...

If I have to wear them, I want them to be at least cute. Isn't that how everyone else is feeling? No, just me, okay!

There are so many more out there then what I have listed below. Etsy is a great place for all things hand made and I even tried my hand at making masks early on- my sewing skills are something to be desired. HA. Masks are the accessory for 2020.  I have bought many different types of masks in the past few months and I thought I would share what brands I love in case you are still on the hunt for a good mask.

Here are my favorites I have found over the past couple of months:

Old Navy

My favorite most cost effective ones are from Old Navy.  They come in a bunch of different colors and patterns and I feel that they are able to accommodate most people's faces. The price I feel is fair sitting at 5 for $12.50. I can comfortably wear these when  I am out shopping they really hold up in the washing machine. One tip: I air dry them and when they are just out of the wash, I smooth the fabric with my finger to get out any wrinkles and they look great when they are dry.  

Lilly Pulitzer 

These were my splurge masks. Now, I have loved Lily Pulitzer for a long time and when I found then came out with masks, I JUMPED at the chance to get one. I purchased the original rectangle mask back in April (?) and I was really pleased with it. My mom bought me the new ChillyLilly 3 pack and the bright colors make me feel so cheerful and these are super comfortable as well. They are more breathable and more like an exercise material. Even during a pandemic, we can live in a Lilly state of mind. 

Vera Bradley

I have always loved Vera Bradley as the brand and when I saw Vera Bradley made face masks, I wanted to check them out. These are $8 a mask and there is a big selection of different prints. These are a bit more reasonable and they have options for the style of mask you can buy. 

Tory Burch

You would think  a designer brand would have really expensive masks- not Tory Burch. They are selling a 5 pack of silky masks for $35. They look more expensive then they actually are. I figure, if I am going to be wearing these a lot, its worth it to try. These masks are perfect and they have the little adjusters to make it fit perfectly to your face. 

Neck Gaiter

I found these on Amazon in March when this whole mess started. These are super comfortable and stretchy to fit all face shapes. I feel like men wear these more which I can understand the convenience of these. These might be my winter/fall masks because it provides more coverage. 

Disposable Mask

The trust backup mask- the disposable one. It seems like if you don't have a washable fabric mask, this is the one you have. If you wear one of these, just remember to throw it away in the trash, not the garbage. 

Here are some tips and tricks I have found:

-When washing the masks, put them in a mesh laundry bag to keep them all together and don't but them in the dryer
-FogStop really does work!
-Keep an extra one in your desk and in your car (its like chapstick, have one everywhere you are)
-Just wear one, its not that hard. 
-Amazon sells little silicone adjusters for the earloops on masks to make them fit better (or tie little knots in the loops to get a tighter fit)

[[Trust the wait. Embrace the uncertainty. Enjoy the beauty of becoming.]]

-gabrielle

ps.  If this is the easiest way to control COVID-19, I think its a no brainer to just wear the mask. 

The New Normal

COVID-19 came in slow and quiet and then it seemed as if it had a temper tantrum of a two year old because it didn't get its way so it created such chaos all over. What we used to know is no more.  I feel like the juxtaposition between the old and new is night and day. Light and dark. How did things change so quickly? What is going to be our new normal?

Non essential business' are closed,  children are not going to a physical school but are receiving virtual instruction and their parents have suddenly become their new teachers; employees are adjusting to their new co-workers (their pets, spouses and children) while navigating on line meetings and deadlines. While we are all adjusting to a new normal right now, my thoughts, emotions and feelings have been all over the place.

When I wake up in the morning, before I get out of bed, my heart is already racing. All of this unknown has been wearing on me an awful lot plus all of the other things that I normally worry about too. Its a lot to carry. I have been practicing a lot of yoga along with meditation, deep breathing and other exercises to try to clear my hear or get some of the worry off my mind. It sometimes works but other times it doesn't. This is a weird time to exist. The world is in disarray and it doesn't seem to get better.

I feel like everyone is handling this in their own ways. This is unprecedented and there really isn't any guidebook on how to handle things. We all laugh looking at memes making fun of the craziness around us because after all, laughter is the best medicine. Others have different coping methods, cleaning, baking, reading, staying off of social media and away from/limiting exposure to the news, exercising and just giving themselves grace if they want to have an unproductive day. I have been using exercise as a good distraction and giving myself grace when I really don't want to do anything. Some days its easy to be motivated and tackle my to-do list but other days, Facebook videos are so enticing.

If I am being honest, this past weekend was hard for me.  A lot of anxiety coupled with the fact I wanted to do nothing more than just lay in bed was hard for me. I feel like I do have good coping strategizes but sometimes, I let the loud voices of negativity come to the forefront and rule what my thoughts will be. Reasoning with myself, making to do lists, setting mini goals and trying to silence these voices did work this weekend.

Having a compromised immune system during all of this makes things even more scary for me. I try to take all of the precautions I can but I cannot control the people around me (which scares me even more!) All of this uncertainty gives me a lot of misplaced anger and a lot anxiety that makes it hard to stay calm some days. I wish there was a magic wand to make this all go away but there is none and this is our new normal.

So many things have changed for everyone- their routines, the rhythms and ways of life. In my life,  one of the biggest changes that has happened was work for me. Now I don't exclusively work from home; I go into the office every other day and for a building that used to be bustling with employees and the public, its so weird to see no one in the hallways, to have no interruptions and to not really have that much interaction with anyone. With all my emotions running wild, it has been super hard to concentrate lately. My mind is constantly wandering and I need to have pep talks with myself and basically say, "finish this task and then you can take a break". I work in an office by myself so staying away from others is easy for me,  most of the time, people forget I am in my office- I am a quiet worker.  I am constantly spraying Lysol on everything I touch or something someone else could touch; my Purell bottle is always right next to me along with backups just in case.  Driving to and from work is even more creepier, the normal amount of traffic is not there and the business' that are normally open are all closed. It looks like a ghost town. Though the silver lining in all of this- my commute is about 10 minutes shorter and I can park outside my building.

Another big change is the gym closing. I had just gotten into such a good rhythm of going a few times a week and then poof it went away. I totally understand why it had to close and I have found new ways to stay active but still I was sad. I was even more sad for my gym friends who went to the gym everyday- what in the world were they going to do? I stopped going to the yoga studio I have been going to for years as well- just until this blows over. This might seem like a trivial thing to be upset over and I am very thankful to have the opportunity to go to the gym and practice yoga, but these things help me keep my anxiety away. I am very thankful for virtual yoga and online fitness classes. These have been one of the few things that I seem to be able to concentrate on. These help me keep my anxiety levels down (just a little) and let me work off some anxious energy.

One of the things I am absolutely loving is how creative people are being with staying connected with each other. Facetime, Zoom happy hours and using social distance all make me so happy to see.  This is probably the easiest thing for everyone to do- stay connected. We are so lucky to have the internet and electric to power all the things that keep us entertained. Could you imagine being quarantined without all the luxuries we have?! It would be harder than it is now.

On my run last week, I encountered many houses that had rainbows in the windows or teddy bears.  I laughed every time I saw one and then I later saw on Facebook, that is a thing- when parents take their children on walks, they have a scavenger hunt to find different items. Even as an adult, this made me smile so much. These little acts of happiness brings a smile to everyone's face in such a weird time.

This new normal is weird, unsettling and seems to never end. I am constantly looking at my phone or planner to see what day it really is and what time it is- time seems to be going so slow. Change is hard for anyone especially change that comes on so quickly. Take the time and let yourself feel these emotions- unpack them and work though them-that's what I am trying to do.  It's not the easiest thing to do but I got another month to work on it.

I listen to Gary Vanyerchuk often and his number one tip for this uncertain time- Gratitude. I think I have forgotten that I am so grateful for so many things because my emotions have been so much louder. I am hoping that I can focus my energy on more gratitude less wandering negative thoughts.

How are you dealing with your new normal?

[[Be the light for someone if they are having a dark day; All of us could use some love,  even the strong ones. Be Kind]]

-gabrielle

On COVID-19

Hi Friends,

I know this past week has been so hard. We all have been experiencing variety of emotions- anger, sadness, uncertainty, calmness, happy, worry and feeling scared and for a while I thought I was the only one who was experiencing these emotions. I realized as soon as others started speaking out about the emotion range they were having, I felt more at ease, knowing that other people were feeling the same as I was. In this time of worry, its nice to know that others share the feelings as you do.

I will not lie, I was a mess for the better part of last week; I am not one to hid my emotions and coming off the week prior (a full moon, daylight savings and Friday the 13th), March certainly has not been easy for me emotionally. I am pretty sure I cried multiple times this month and sometimes I didn't even know why I was crying, I think it was just the feeling of  sheer frustration and the feeling of overwhelm in every aspect of my life. Its funny how things tend to be grouped together-  everything is good or  everything is bad. I also have been feeling hopeless in the sense that no one really knows what is going on with this. No one knows how long we will need to stay inside and away from people- it could be weeks, it could be months. 

As I am writing this, I feel nothing- I am in a void, so to speak. There is so much going on and yet I am choosing not to feel anything.  ( I am not sure if that is good or bad but I am going with it.) The unclear restrictions, the mixed feelings and the unknown scares me.  I am a person who is prone to anxiety and depression and for the life of me, I cannot get out of this slump I have been in, pretty much all month.  At this point I am not trying to rationalize them; I am allowing myself to feel these emotions and get swallowed into them. 

Yesterday, I cried, stayed in my pajamas all day and laid in bed, and if I felt like crying, I did; I gave myself grace in that aspect. I thought about so many different things and my mind was having a hard time focusing on one thing for a long period. I had a plan to be productive yesterday and a to do list of things I wanted to do, but that sat undone. 

I know others have been giving great advice and great tips how to weather this virus but to be honest,  who is actually following that advice? (I am not one to be the mean and so judgmental, but seriously?!) Does anyone just sit on the couch, eat junk food and wallow in their emotions? No, only me, cool ! I appreciate the other bloggers trying to put on a brave face and act like this is exactly what everyone needs but truth be told,  this is probably the last thing we all need. We need real talk- and not just about clothes, the newest accessory or another sponsored post about something they don't use; we need posts about how they are really feeling, honest and raw. No need for sugar-coating your feelings now, especially since everyone is feeling it. Feelings are messy, you don't need to put together a blogpost that is perfect.

A lot of people in my community seem to not be listening to the Governor and to stay inside.  To them, its a free pass to go to the parks/boardwalks/outdoor areas in large groups and act like we have a "snow day". There are a lot of people that I heard say,  "Oh I'm not in the age range or I'm not at risk for this'.... hello! the virus does not discriminate against anyone. Its very frustrating. I am at risk being on immunosuppressant medication for Crohn's Disease and my parents are at risk because they are older , and you not following the rules is putting us at more of a risk. I am a rule follower to a T... can't everyone else be one too? Is it that hard to stay inside with all the necessities- food, internet, streaming services?

Here is my plead to all of you please please please for the love of God, if you are not an essential employee, stay inside and do what you do every other weekend-drink, eat and binge something on the many different streaming services that are available; clean to your houses until your hearts are content; remold or repaint that thing you have been meaning to do; play board games; reorganize your closets... DO SOMETHING INSIDE AND BY YOUR SELF.

I would rather be stuck inside now for two weeks, rather than in the summer for 3 months.

Use your brains,  I know you are smart, listen to #flattenthecurve.

-gabrielle

ps. If you or someone you know is really struggling with their mental health, you can contact NJMENTALHEALTHCARES  the free helpline created for telephone counseling, emotional support, information and assistance at 866-202-HELP (7 days a week, 8AM to 8PM)