I know this past week has been so hard. We all have been experiencing variety of emotions- anger, sadness, uncertainty, calmness, happy, worry and feeling scared and for a while I thought I was the only one who was experiencing these emotions. I realized as soon as others started speaking out about the emotion range they were having, I felt more at ease, knowing that other people were feeling the same as I was. In this time of worry, its nice to know that others share the feelings as you do.
I will not lie, I was a mess for the better part of last week; I am not one to hid my emotions and coming off the week prior (a full moon, daylight savings and Friday the 13th), March certainly has not been easy for me emotionally. I am pretty sure I cried multiple times this month and sometimes I didn't even know why I was crying, I think it was just the feeling of sheer frustration and the feeling of overwhelm in every aspect of my life. Its funny how things tend to be grouped together- everything is good or everything is bad. I also have been feeling hopeless in the sense that no one really knows what is going on with this. No one knows how long we will need to stay inside and away from people- it could be weeks, it could be months.
As I am writing this, I feel nothing- I am in a void, so to speak. There is so much going on and yet I am choosing not to feel anything. ( I am not sure if that is good or bad but I am going with it.) The unclear restrictions, the mixed feelings and the unknown scares me. I am a person who is prone to anxiety and depression and for the life of me, I cannot get out of this slump I have been in, pretty much all month. At this point I am not trying to rationalize them; I am allowing myself to feel these emotions and get swallowed into them.
Yesterday, I cried, stayed in my pajamas all day and laid in bed, and if I felt like crying, I did; I gave myself grace in that aspect. I thought about so many different things and my mind was having a hard time focusing on one thing for a long period. I had a plan to be productive yesterday and a to do list of things I wanted to do, but that sat undone.
I know others have been giving great advice and great tips how to weather this virus but to be honest, who is actually following that advice? (I am not one to be the mean and so judgmental, but seriously?!) Does anyone just sit on the couch, eat junk food and wallow in their emotions? No, only me, cool ! I appreciate the other bloggers trying to put on a brave face and act like this is exactly what everyone needs but truth be told, this is probably the last thing we all need. We need real talk- and not just about clothes, the newest accessory or another sponsored post about something they don't use; we need posts about how they are really feeling, honest and raw. No need for sugar-coating your feelings now, especially since everyone is feeling it. Feelings are messy, you don't need to put together a blogpost that is perfect.
A lot of people in my community seem to not be listening to the Governor and to stay inside. To them, its a free pass to go to the parks/boardwalks/outdoor areas in large groups and act like we have a "snow day". There are a lot of people that I heard say, "Oh I'm not in the age range or I'm not at risk for this'.... hello! the virus does not discriminate against anyone. Its very frustrating. I am at risk being on immunosuppressant medication for Crohn's Disease and my parents are at risk because they are older , and you not following the rules is putting us at more of a risk. I am a rule follower to a T... can't everyone else be one too? Is it that hard to stay inside with all the necessities- food, internet, streaming services?
Here is my plead to all of you please please please for the love of God, if you are not an essential employee, stay inside and do what you do every other weekend-drink, eat and binge something on the many different streaming services that are available; clean to your houses until your hearts are content; remold or repaint that thing you have been meaning to do; play board games; reorganize your closets... DO SOMETHING INSIDE AND BY YOUR SELF.
I would rather be stuck inside now for two weeks, rather than in the summer for 3 months.
Use your brains, I know you are smart, listen to #flattenthecurve.
-gabrielle
ps. If you or someone you know is really struggling with their mental health, you can contact NJMENTALHEALTHCARES the free helpline created for telephone counseling, emotional support, information and assistance at 866-202-HELP (7 days a week, 8AM to 8PM)
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