Crohn's Confidential:Thank you

THANK YOU!

This whole month has been a wonderful experience writing about Crohn's Disease and giving a voice to a disease that is sometimes misunderstood.

Crohn's Disease is a LARGE part of my life and being able to share my thoughts and journey about it with you all has been therapeutic. I never have written down these things and in the future it will be nice to look back on this and reflect how far I have come.

Thank you for your kind words, love and overall support.

[[be loud about the things that are important to you-Karen Walrond]]

-gabrielle

Fabulous Five on Friday

Happy Friday! It's the last Friday in May- how the heck did that happen? This month was an interesting transition month for me. I started back in the office full time yet some the restrictions are still in place here in New Jersey. With this warmer weather, the beaches and boardwalks have been reopened under specific guidelines and restaurants have been doing curbside and dockside to options which include alcohol. It makes me giggle to see a margarita in a to go cup. HA! Lets write this down under things only that can happen during a pandemic.

I am excited to soak up the warmer weather by spending more time outside and also being more creative. The summer time is when I feel like my creativity is at its peak. I am excited what I come up with this summer.

For my Fabulous Five on Friday, I am taking an inventory in May. I love doing this; it gives me a chance to reflect and see what I liked, what I didn't like and what I can improve. Do you reflect on the previous month?

Highlights
+started painting and creating again
+walks around the neighborhood & seeing the marinas come alive
+Drive by birthday celebrations
+New goals were created and hopefully I will start to work on them in the upcoming weeks

Lowpoints
-still having anxiety and feelings of being overwhelmed
-feeling lost
-feeling over with this whole thing

Favorite Moments
+Celebrated one year since my surgery and good health with an outdoor picnic
+played with fire and created something really neat
+so many good dinners with mama and daddy outside
+SUNSHINE and WARM WEATHER

Favorite Posts
+May Mixtape
+May Photo Story
+My Crohn's Disease Journey
+World IBD Day
+Dealing with Questions and Comments

Looking Forward To
+Official summer and the longest day of the year
+Going to the beach
+More creative projects
+Slowing down and enjoying each moment

Quote of the Month
+The most important decision you will ever make is to be in a good mood-Voltaire

Hopes and Wishes for June
+I hope June is filled with new possibilities, sunshine, the beach, lots of walks and a slower pace. I wish for lots of memories not captured by social media or cameras- just in my mind.  I want peace and quietness from all this craziness.

What to Expect in June on Wonder Grace and Joy
+Plant mom update
+My Hobbies
+Summer Wishlist

[[Be Joyful in Hope, Patient in Affliction and Faithful in Prayer. Romans 12:12]]

-gabrielle

ps. Don't forget to check out this weeks posts: What I Learned from Crohn's Disease and Crohn's Disease Resources

Linking up with Andrea and Erika today.

Crohn's Confidential: Resources

The last post in Crohn's Confidential series. Thank you again for coming on this journey with me. Today, I thought I would provide you with the resources that I have found to be most helpful. When I was first diagnosed, I didn't know where to start, where to look and unfortunately, what to believe. These resources have provided me information, guidance and humor in really hard times.

Crohn's and Colitis Foundation

The Mighty

Natalie Ann Hayden

Instacrohns

Ibdgirls

These resources have been the most helpful for me. There are many more out there detailing specific aspects about Crohn's Disease and one of the most helpful resources has been speaking with my doctor. I trust his professional opinion and his ideas. Speaking openly about Crohn's Disease has helped me connect with people who have been affected by Crohn's Disease either themselves or a loved one.

I hope all these Crohn's Confidential posts spread awareness to this disease and you have learned more about this not commonly spoken about disease.

What do you want to spread awareness about?

[[what you seek is seeking you- rumi]]

-gabrielle

Did you miss a Crohn's Confidential post?
Crohn's Confidential
My Crohn's Disease Journey
My Support Team and How They Help Me
Surgery: Before & After
Recovery After Surgery
World IBD Day
Dealing with Questions and Comments
What I learned from Crohn's Disease

Crohns Confidential: What I Learned from Crohn's Disease

This is the last week of Crohn's Confidential. Thank you for reading along with these posts and letting me tell my story. I think everyone's story is so unique and we can all learn from each other. Today I am talking about what I learned from this journey. Throughout my Crohn's Disease adventure, I have learned a lot of things; these are the things that jumped out to me right away when thinking about this post.

What I Learned:

Being Mentally Stronger- having being told you have a chronic disease, hit me really hard when I was 27 and I had to be strong and not let all the scary things I found online scare me into not wanting to know anything. I have been constantly tested both mentally and physically over the years and I have gracefully gotten through every thing that I didn't think would get through. Its hard to imagine the end result when you are in the thick of it, but I think I've learned to take it one step at a time and you will ultimately get through it, gracefully.

To Stand Up for Myself and Speak Up- This was so important when I was in the hospital; sometimes the doctors or nurses would say something that I didn't agree with. I had to rely on myself and my medical advocates (aka my parents) to communicate exactly what I wanted and what I thought. Sometimes I agreed with the advice they would give me, sometimes I didn't.  I needed to trust my gut and do what was best for me.

Lean on My Support Team- This was hard at times because I never wanted burden anyone with my problems but I have learned that if I let people in, they can help me- being a distraction, bring a little sunshine into your world and let you mentally escape even for a little bit. The people in your support team will never think of you as a burden or a problem.

Listening to My Body- Sometimes I ignore the little voice of reason inside of me when something is wrong. I know how my body feels when it feels good and I know when something is wrong. I have to trust those feelings and not dismiss them so quickly. Only I know what I am truly feeling and if I don't communicate effectively,  no one else will know what is truly going on.

Giving Myself Grace- this might be the hardest thing that I've learned and for me to remember to do. I am terribly hard on myself ALL. THE. TIME. I am still working on this and I know if I give myself a little more grace, then things will be easier.

A Sense of Strength-I never thought of myself as a strong person per se but after these last few years, I've seen myself improve in strength both  mentally and physically. To have a chronic illness, you are constantly tested (mentally and physically) and yet you get through it all, gracefully. When I'm in the midst of it, I sometimes don't know how I will get through it all and yet I do.

More Patience- I feel like I have a lot of patience to begin with; more than most people yet somehow I have become even more patient. I have become more patient waiting for test results, waiting for answers and waiting in doctors offices. Like everything else, this isn't always easy but things take time and as much as I want things to be instant

-----
I think a lot of what I learned can be applied to every day life and anyone can apply this to their own lives. I always like to learn something from an experience and the things I've learned above can be applied in all different scenarios.

You are so much stronger than you actually think; sometimes you need to go through a hard situation to be reminded of that. You got this!

What have you learned from a tough situation?

[[Courage doesn't always road. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day that says "I will try again tomorrow."]]

-gabrielle

Fabulous Friday Favorites

Happy FRIDAY! Happy MDW!! (Do people outside of the Tristate area say that- MDW? I thought it was only a Jersey thing?!)  How is MDW here already? I think in my head, its still March, like time is standing still. Nevertheless, I am excited that Summer is 'officially' here. Do you have any plans for the long weekend? For my Fabulous Friday Favorites, I am sharing my May Mixtape.

This makes mixtape number 5 for WGJ. I am so excited to share these songs with you. This months music is filled with songs that are fun, uplifting and always make me smile. As always, song recommendations are always welcome.

WGJ vol. 5

God Thing by Locash

Drowning by Chris Young

I'm A Fan by Granger Smith

Going Going Gone by Ryan Griffin
Be Kind (with Halsey) by Marshmello

Talking to God by Chrissy Metz

Some Girl by American Young

Me Lately by Filmore
Belong by Chase Rice

Round and Round by Troy Cartwright

Like A Man by Dallas Smith

Anna Sun by Walk the Moon
Beautiful LIfe by MY RED + BLUE

Joy by Bastille

Boys These Days by Lucy Scholl

Little Less Talk by Ty March

Beautiful Anyway by Judah & The Lion

Listen here.

[[Growth is often uncomfortable, messy and full of feelings you weren't expecting but its necessary]]

-gabrielle

Linking up with Andrea & Erika.

PS. Don't forget to check out this weeks posts: Recovery After Surgery, World IBD Day, How I deal with Comments and Questions

Crohn's Confidential:Dealing with Questions and Comments

Hi again and welcome to another Crohn's Confidential. Today it is all about questions and comments I've received about my invisible illness. Over the years, I have heard a lot of things from people- some are good, some are terrible, some are hurtful and some I can't imagine how they actually thought up that question.

Questioning my diagnosis
At one time, I had people in my life who actually questioned me and my family if I really had Crohn's Disease. I swear to goodness, they would pull my parent aside and drill them about my illness and they make comments about why am I going to this doctor, why am I not going to the city. It is so exhausting dealing with that and knowing they truly didn't believe what I was dealing with because I wasn't acting sick enough.

As many people with invisible illnesses, we try so hard to live as normally as we can, but its really hard to fake being healthy ALL. THE. TIME. We are trying to live our lives like every other healthy human. Just because we choose to not to talk about how hard it is for us, doesn't make our illness any less hard. People assume that if we aren't acting sick, then we must be cured.

Along with having an invisible illness, the explanation of your specific illness to others is challenging. Its hard to describe something in terms others will understand, when you yourself have a hard time understanding it.

Rude Comments
When you look fine on the outside but on the inside you don't feel great, its deceiving. When I hear, 'oh you look fine,' 'your're too young to be so sick,' and my favorite 'can't you just take a pill and it will go away?' These comments hurt more than you ever will know. Hearing these make me feel even worse than I was currently feeling.

Sometimes when people say things like 'be positive' 'get better soon' and 'you look fine', those hurt so much more then the person intended. They seem like innocent things to say but to someone who has an invisible illness, we are positive but sometimes it gets too much for us. We aren't going to get better any time soon, our illnesses don't have a cure. Hearing 'you look fine' makes me feel even worse that I already am. I know people mean well and they honestly don't know what to say but think about how the other person might take it.

There have been so many times where someone has said something rude or off putting to me and I don't say anything to that person and I wait until I am alone and I cry my eyes out because whatever they said- not meaning to be mean or rude- I took it in a way that made me feel even more terrible. There are times when I am not feeling well and anything, anyone says to me, makes me upset.

Comparing Their Symptoms to Yours
One of the things that annoys me the most is when I said I'm exhausted, and you say me too; I don't mean I didn't get a great night sleep last night, it means that I'm fatigued because my body is literally fighting itself and I have been acting healthy for so long, its exhausting. Please stop comparing how you are feeling to what I am going through. I am not saying that because I want attention, I'm saying it because its how I feel, honestly.

How to Cope and How You Can Help
Its something that over the years, I've come to understand- it is hard for people to understand what you are going through, unless they are going through it as well. They cannot see your illness and if you are acting like a healthy person, they assume that you are healthy.  My advice to others is to listen; simply listen to the person who has the chronic illness- don't add in a story about something in your life that doesn't really compare, don't try to make it better and don't talk about a cure that you saw online (we saw it too, tried it and it doesn't work).

My coping strategies for this is to try to not let it get to me that much and cry. I am a very emotional person to begin with and when someone says something mean, it hurts. I've had to develop a tougher skin over the years but sometimes when I let my guard down, these seemingly harmless comments come out of nowhere and really affect me.

Most of the time, we (chronic illness warriors) don't like to tell someone how we are really feeling; we are holding in our thoughts and emotions because we do not want to be a burden to anyone. It's a lot for us, the people with the illness to have to deal with and to tell others seems too much. We just want someone to listen to us and ask us, how we truly are.

We are trying to live as normally as we can with a chronic illness and its hard some days. Please don't ruin a good day for us, by saying something that will upset us. Please be kind.

--------
A lot of us, chronic illness warriors, have experienced rude comments, weird questions and suggestion to every cure/medicine/exercise/diet etc. in the world. I did a quick google search for "dealing with negative comments with chronic illness" and about 126,000,000 results came up. WHAT?! I'm glad this is a thing and people are talking about it.

Here are some of my favorite articles from my google search:
Unkind Remarks
Harmless but Hurtful Comments
Stop Saying Stay Positive 
What NOT to say
Don't Say these things

[[When you don't know what to say, just smile]]

-gabrielle

Crohn's Confidential: World IBD Day

Today is World IBD day. So many people have IBD and deal with the many symptoms daily; there is no cure for Crohn's Disease or Ulcerative Colitis.  If you want to know more about IBD, Crohn's Disease or Ulcerative Colitis, check out Crohn’s and Colitis Foundation for more help and information.

Now I have found that humor is the best medicine.
These are some funnies that keep me going on my hard days:

How I feel some days

Love this little guy

ALL. THE. TIME

It’s a lot to take in for anyone

Poor guy. Also note the shot glass of Pepto Bismal.

SO.TRUE.

[[we all have battles that no one else knows about]]

-Gabrielle

PS. If you want to check out my adventures with Crohn's Disease take a look at:
My Crohn's Disease Journey, My Support Team and How they Help Me, Surgery: Before and After, and Recovery After Surgery.

Crohn's Confidenital: Recovery After Surgery

Another edition of Crohn's Confidential, today I am all about how the recovery from my surgery was. I expected the worst- unbearable pain, complications galore and a very long road. I knew what happened after my emergency surgery with my appendix and that was a terrible recovery so I was honestly not very hopeful.

After I was brought up to my room and transferred into my bed for the next few days, I honestly slept most of the afternoon. I was exhausted (emotionally and physically) and still very loopy from the anesthesia. That poor nurse that took care of me that afternoon, I must have asked her the same questions 100 times. I expected to be not in the mood for anything that day right after surgery.

When doing research about UPenn, I realized they had private rooms on a floor called the Pavilion. I looked into it- it was a reservation type room and there were only 5 of them.  You had to pay an additional fee for this (on top of your insurance); you could make a reservation but  you were not guaranteed this room. They did not who was going to be there on the day of your surgery.

I was lucky, they had an opening the day of my surgery. I was so happy that I would be able to recover in a private room. In the past, I've had some really terrible roommates in hospitals, and that gives me a lot of stress while I am trying to recuperate. Having my own room allowed me to relax a little more.

The room was beautiful and it overlooked the football field at UPenn. The hallway was nice and quiet. I went to bed that first night thinking, 'okay! this is the first step to recovery, gab, you got this.'

I woke up the next morning, slightly confused where I was. My parents came back early and saw I was more alert and more like my self. My mom suggested, we change me out of the UPenn Hospital gown and into my own- to make me feel a little better.

It was a slow process getting me out of bed, I was scared to move too quickly thinking I would hurt myself. I was happy to brush my hair and my teeth. I was happy to get out of the bed and put some slippers on and a new gown on. That was my favorite thing I brought was my own hospital gowns.
I wore a different one each day and it not only made me feel like I was home but it also gave me something to look forward to. I felt more normal.

Now finding hospital gowns was a little challenging but we found really pretty ones. Ones that looked almost like dresses. I had a cape that I would wear when I was cold and I had my own slippers too when I wanted to take a few laps around the floor.

Once I got changed, I settled into the recliner for another day of recovery. The day nurse asked if I wanted to try to walk a little. UPenn encourages patients who can, to walk around. I reluctantly said yes; I was scared to walk- worried I would cause damage to my healing scars. I slowly walked with the nurse out of my room and down to the end of the hallway.  We turned around at the end and then came back to my room. She asked if I wanted to do that again, I said I would try again in a little bit. Just a short walk was a little hard for me.

After the walk a group of very young doctors came around to see how I was doing. They all reminded me of Doogie Howiser, MD- very young but very knowledgeable. The one said I think we can take the gauze off your incisions. My eyes got so big and I said "are you sure? isn't it too soon?" I laid down back into bed for them to take the bandages off. They came off easy and the young doctors were pleased with the healing process so far. Phew! I thought.

The rest of the day consisted of walks and resting. I went to bed that night thinking to myself, day one of recovery is done!

Before bedtime, my vitals were taking and they asked me if I wanted the pain medicine. I was feeling pretty good all day, not really having anything besides Tylenol all day; I decided to say no thank you. Well 3:30 in the morning, I woke up screaming in pain. I should have taken the pain medicine. The nurses came running in and I said there is a shooting pain in my right arm. They gave me some pain medication and I was able to rest more comfortably.

The second full day post op, was hard. I had such a great day the day before, today I felt like something was really wrong. I slept whenever I wasn't walking around the floor. I was completely exhausted and didn't want to do much that day. I asked the nurses about eating. I still hadn't eaten anything since Tuesday and it was Saturday. They kept saying once I have a bowel movement, that is the indicator that everything is okay after surgery. I prayed so hard to have a bowel movement and I got my prayers answered not exactly the way I wanted to .

Later that day, I wanted to take a walk before I got ready to turn in for the night.  As I was making the first turn on my walking path, I felt a rumbling in my stomach. I had been feeling that all day and it got excited thinking maybe my insides are working; well not a few minutes later, I thought I had to fart but it was not exactly a fart... (sorry TMI). My eyes got huge and I said I need to get back to my room NOW! I waddled back to my room as quick as I can and I exclaimed as I walked back into it and right into the bathroom. I was so excited to tell the nurses. I said, now this means I can eat right?! They had to talk to the doctor first before they could give me anything.

I went to bed that night, thinking of everything I could eat and I couldn't wait. I was awoken again with shooting pains in my right arm again because I refused the pain medication again. Okay I learned my lesson and noted to ask the doctor tomorrow why I kept getting these pains in my arm and not in my stomach.  I went right back to sleep again, dreaming of food.

On Sunday which was the 3rd full day post op, I got dressed in another hospital gown and I was so excited for breakfast. On the Pavilion floor I was staying on, they had a concierge who was able to provide you anything you really wanted- so when they asked me what I wanted for breakfast, I couldn't make up my mind! HA! I figured I should play it safe and  I ordered scrambled eggs and toast. You would have thought it was like something much fancier the way I got so excited about it when they brought it in. I tried to eat it nice and slowly and it was the most delicious thing I've tasted in a long time! HA!

Later that day, the concierge stopped by to see if the Pastoral Care had stopped by. We said no. He said he would call them again. A little later Miss Lisa showed up in our room and she prayed with us and gave me hope that this is the right thing for me and I will get back to my normal life again. 

A group of doctors came around and said I could go home. I thought it was too early, I had only one bowel movement yesterday and I just had eaten and they didn't really know if that agreed with me yet. That gave me so much anxiety. I asked them if I could stay one more night to make sure I was okay. They agreed. 

It hit me that I was going home tomorrow, in less than 24 hours and that made me really nervous; I had an almost 2 hour car drive home and then we were on our own (so to speak). I went to bed that night with pain medication (I learned my lesson the two nights before and I wanted a good night sleep) thinking I will be in my own bed tomorrow night. 

I was thinking about all the doctors, nurses, techs I met and that helped me. I thought about the concierge staff and how amazing they were with me and my parents. I prayed for them all that night. I was so thankful I was able to have the surgery at UPenn and I was able to stay on the concierge floor. A lot of my anxiety before the surgery about where I was staying and how the surgery was to go, went away because of the awesome staff and the great care they provided me. 

I was given the okay to be discharged in the morning and the ride home for me was scary. I didn't know if I would be able to sit up for two hours in a car that the road wasn't exactly smooth. I tried to sleep for most of the ride and when we pulled into my drive way, I heard the familiar sound of the rocks, I breathed a sigh of relief- I made it. I was completely exhausted from the ride home the first thing I did was nap. I was so happy to be out of the hospital, have no IV ports in both hands and not be constantly monitored. I the best sleep I've had in a week. 

The next three weeks at home were filled with ups and downs. I didn't sleep in my actual bed for almost a week. I don't like that feeling of laying down flat- this is something that happened to me after my first surgery. I slept in the recliner mostly and I laid on my bed during the day for a change of scenery. 

I was walking daily around my yard, which served two purposes, to let me get some fresh air and to get me out of the house. I felt down some days and happy other days. I wanted to get back to my normal life so quickly. I hit some road bumps with little fevers and just being really fatigued. 

After three weeks, I went to see the surgeon again for a check up. She was happy with my healing and gave me the go ahead to go back to work. I was excited and nervous all at the same time. I couldn't lift anything heavy for a few more weeks and  I was worried I was going to forget that and hurt myself. 

Overall recovery was pretty easy for me this time around. I think I was much more prepared mentally going into this surgery than I was the last time. I knew what to expect and what to do. I think the things that helped me the most were having a private room in the hospital,  having my own hospital gowns that I looked forward to each day and my families unwavering support always. 

[[storms don't last forever.]]

-gabrielle 

Fabulous Friday Favorites

Can you believe its the MIDDLE of May already?! I can't! We have been in quarantine since March 17ish so almost a full 2 months. Life has been quite interesting the past month. Lots of walks around the neighborhood and yoga have filled my days off. I am back to working full time in the office and to be honest, I am very happy for that. I was in the office limited days and I felt like I could not get caught up with my work at all. I am all caught up finally, which makes me feel so much better. There is still a lot of things to still accomplish but I can work at it a little each day and take my time like normal.

This month's photo story is filled with snapshots from my neighborhood walks again.

A Lost Bird's Nest 

Surprise Visitor 

Signs of Summer

Old Boat for Sale

Nature

Color in the Wild

Boat Names Make Me Smile

Pink Snow

Vintage

Historic

Lilac's

Silly String

Smart and Funny

More Pink Snow

Pond Views

Tranquility

Life Jacket in the Wild

Banana Bread- Quarantine Edition

Swan

Work Attire

I Spy: A Crab & A Shark

Lunch Al Fresco with Mom and Dad*

*cute story- We are eating on Dad's old workbench my mom bought him over 30 years ago. They have eaten many lunches and snacks on this workbench and it holds a lot of memories for them.

I definitely felt more adjusted this month in Quarantine than I did last month. There are some random days where I don't feel like myself but I am hoping the sunshine and the warmer weather ahead will help with those weird/odd days

What are you looking forward to this month?

[[Dream big, start small...mostly importantly start- Simon Sinek]]

-gabrielle

PS. Be sure to check out this weeks posts: Surgery: Before and After  & Grace .

Linking up with Andrea & Erika

Grace

This was supposed to be a post about recovery after surgery today but it was a struggle to write. I need a break from writing. I didn't realize how many emotions writing about Crohns Disease would bring up in me. It has been a lot to process and I decided I needed time.

On Monday night, I decided that I need to give myself grace and take a breather from writing about my journey. I put way too much pressure on myself and it’s not good.

Check back on Friday for some fun snapshots and I'll be back on Monday with how recovery after surgery was for me.

[[Exit gracefully. heal and grow, don’t look back-butterflies rising]]

-gabrielle

Crohn's Confidental- Surgery: Before & After

Surgery. Its a scary word for anyone; for someone who has a chronic illness, this may be something that comes up over and over again throughout their lives. I knew surgery would help me in the end; it would improve my quality of life but making this decision to have surgery was really hard. I wanted to get better but I always thought once I have surgery, it would be something that would become the norm in my life- I would have to have it every so often. I was lucky, it was 5 years before my first surgery and I am hoping my next surgery is not for another 10 years. I had already put this off for a year and I wasn't getting better and I was scared it wasn't going to work. I needed hope and this was the only thing left for me.

Why UPenn?

With this surgery, I wanted to make sure I was going to have a surgeon who understood my complicated case and who would be compassionate and caring as well.  I didn't have a specific surgeon that I had used before so I looked and trusted my doctor to recommend someone. He immediately recommended a surgeon he knew and trusted at UPenn. He didn't think twice about it-even though he was affiliated with a local hospital that was very good, he thought I would be better taken care of at a larger hospital. After meeting with both a gastroenterologist and the surgeon, at UPenn, I understood why he recommended them and UPenn.

I felt comfortable with them. My gut told me that I was going to be well taken care of. UPenn was so caring and so knowledgeable. I always felt that my Crohn's Disease symptoms and onset of the disease was so unusual and I felt like no one would ever had the right answers; In speaking to the staff at UPenn, they understood what I was saying and didn't look at me like I had three heads. They empathized and they took the time to explain to me everything in detail.

Packing For a Hospital Stay

When I started to think about my hospital stay, I thought what would I need to make myself feel more comfortable and for a hospital room to feel more like home. These are some of the items I packed:
iPad, a blanket( I am always so cold in a hospital), Penelope, motivational signs(to put around the room), hair brush, hospital gowns( The hospital issued ones never fit me and I feel so uncomfortable in them), slippers, books, puzzle books, rosary beads and prayer cards, dry shampoo, headphones, and a photo album filled with happy photos.

I knew the room was going to be bleak and non specific; I thought if I could bring some things that would make me happy and motivate me to get up, recovery would be a little easier.

Preparing Before Surgery

Physically preparing for surgery was easy; I had been ready to feel better for a very long time but  mentally preparing for surgery was hard. I knew this would be a good thing in the end but my mind kept going to all the negative thoughts. I tried to work through trying to challenge the negative thoughts and talking to my therapist about it. It was exhausting trying to fight these thoughts in my head while not feeling well.

We arrived in Philadelphia the day before my surgery so I didn't have to worry about getting up extra early the morning of my surgery to drive, possibly in traffic, to the hospital from New Jersey. The night before surgery, I had to do a prep. I knew this was coming and I knew it wasn't going to be the most pleasant but it was what it was. I also had to wash myself with the wash that UPenn said I needed to use. It wasn't exactly the most moisturizing but I knew it was necessary. I put my PJs on and I tried to calm my self and think good things so I could fall asleep.

Before falling asleep, I made a mental list about what is in my hospital bag and what I needed to take in the morning. I was nervous and scared and worried and anxious for the next day to come.

Waiting in the Pre-surgery area

Thoughts Before Surgery

The day of surgery I woke and thought to myself, this is a good thing gab. I tried to stay positive and kept saying to myself this will help me. I fought  hard to not let those negative thoughts affect me especially today- the morning of my surgery.

I knew, I truly knew this would be the best thing for me but on my ride over to the hospital, I was so nervous. When I get nervous, I tend to be a little on edge with my tone. All I wanted to do was to get to the surgery check in and get checked in. That meant it was really happening.

Before Surgery

When I checked in, they gave me the hospital bracelet and they also asked for my parents cell phone numbers to give them updates while I was in surgery. We were directed to a packed waiting room. Naturally we were early; I was supposed to arrive at 8 but I arrived at 645ish. Most of the people waiting with me, were being called to prepare for a 8 am surgery.  I tried to put on a brave face for my parents waiting but deep down I was really scared. Those negative thoughts started to seep back into my mind and I fought hard again to not pay too much attention to them.

I was finally called back to be prepared for surgery.  I was given a UPenn Hospital gown, and yellow non slip socks. I had the IV started and a few different nurses came in and out along with a few different important people for the surgery- the anesthesiologist, the nurse who will be in charge of me and the surgeon.

My parents were allowed back to see me before I went back into surgery. I gave them big hugs and told them I loved them very much. I gave them my phone, Penelope and my glasses. After giving them my glasses, it really set it, this is it. This tall red headed nurse came to wheel me into surgery. Everything was a blur, literally- I can't see without my glasses. I asked the girl how many operating rooms there were and she said some ridiculous number like 30. I couldn't believe it. In a great possibility, 30 surgeries could have been going on right then and there.

I remember the operating room being white with a lot of people introducing themselves to me and as I tried to repeat everyone's name and title back to myself, it helped to distract me. After all the introductions, I focused on the nurse anesthesiologist who was letting me know what was going on. I don't know if that is normal or she could see the worry on my face. She put a mask over my mouth and I closed my eyes. The next thing I knew it,  I was waking up two hours and fifteen minutes later in a different blurry room.

What Happened After Surgery

I was in recovery. Phew! I made it! I thought to myself. I saw a woman in white next to me and the very first words I said to her were "do I have an ostomy?" I was very fearful about having one of these and she said in the sweetest voice "no, honey, you don't." I was relieved again. I asked where my parents were. She informed me that they were waiting upstairs on the concierge floor for me to come out of recovery. Another wave of relief washed over me; I was able to recover in a private room with a nurse just for me. This made me feel better and I closed my eyes again.

When I woke up again, I was in an elevator going up to my room. When we got out of the elevator, I saw burry shadows that I recognized immediately- my parents. It was the first time I saw them in hours. I was so happy to see them.

The transport nurses wheeled me into my private room and they told me I needed to move myself into my bed. I was still extremely loopy from the anesthesia and I started to cry as I slowly moved myself inch by inch into the new bed. I felt exhausted once I reached my new bed. Then I had to scoot myself up a little bit to be comfortable. After all of that, my parents were able to come into the room.

I was so relived to see them and to talk to them. They were beaming I was looking better already. I was happy to be on my way to recovery.  I spent that first day sleeping off the anesthesia.

After surgery in my room

Thoughts After Surgery

I was happy to be done with surgery and I was really anxious about it. It seemed as if all of my anxiety and nervousness was gone once I got to recovery. It was as if I had crossed the finish line, in a sense. It felt good to be starting a new phase in my Crohn's Journey; I was still scared but I was mostly hopeful. I was looking forward to having a new lease on life and to eating something. HA! All I wanted was solid foods but I knew that would come in time, I had to give my insides some time to rest. After all, they were cut and stitched back together in 2 hours. They needed a break. I had to be patient.

--
I had gotten through one of the tough parts- surgery. Next up is recovery.

[[You are going to make it. Trust me.  Psalms 23]]

-gabrielle

Be sure to check out the other posts in this series:
Crohn's Confidential
My Crohn's Disease Journey
My Support Team and How They Help Me