Thirty Two.

In January, I turned thirty two. I celebrated it with my family and it was lovely. A few days after my birthday, I had a revelation, an 'ah-ha' moment, an epiphany-something clicked and all of the sudden everything that I had been questioning and worrying about suddenly became a lot clearer. 

I had a lot of unresolved questions swirling around in my head that I couldn't seem to find answers for and now everything seemed to make sense. I knew I needed to change some things to bring me true happiness. My thought process changed and all the brain fog I was experiencing cleared up. 

Most people turn thirty two and just accept it as another step in getting older. Thirty two for me has been transformative and its only been two months! I realized very quickly this is the first time in SIX years that I have actually felt good and not had any really big problems with my chronic illness. My symptoms seemed to be quiet and under control with my diet, medicine and exercise. My doctor had given me a good report just a week earlier and it wasn't until I turned thirty two it hit me. I am healthy (as I can be) and feeling good- mentally and physically. Once I realized that and I was grateful for that, another thought came into my, Who am I?

I had been gracefully dealing with these symptoms for so long, I had lost a sense who my true self was. I had been consumed with surviving daily and faking being healthy that I had no time to be introspective and focus on me. I had been lost, and unsure who I really was anymore. 

Ending a three year relationship back in August was one of the hardest things I had been through besides my struggles with my illness; this had me starting to question  myself - who am I? what do I like? what are my interests? over and over again. Each time I tried to think of an answer,  I really couldn't give myself an answer that I was happy with. It made me sad that I had lost so much of myself over the years.

I decided that I needed to find myself again and find what makes me, me! Back in August, I tried to start painting again and that was okay; I struggled with finding inspiration. What else used to bring me joy, I thought to myself?  Blogging. That is something I truly used to enjoy. I loved to write and I thought this was going to be a good place to start to rediscover myself. I didn't have a plan when I started to blog again, I wrote just to write. I ended up doing a midday thoughts posts and I really liked those. what ever was on my mind, I would post the short blurb during my lunch. I was really enjoying it THEN I had someone say some really mean comments to me about these free flowing posts. I wasn't in the right state of mind to let that negative comment just roll off my back so I decided to step back from blogging. It made me sad that this person affected me so much. 

During this time of rediscovery, I made the decision to get back into the dating world. I looked at it as a band aid- I had been out of the dating world for 3 years, I just needed to jump back in and start seeing what is out there. Well, it was an interesting experience. I had done online dating before yet this time, it felt trying. I have been dating for the better part of the decade and  I was tired of dating without a purpose. I knew what my purpose was but I felt like a lot of the men I met and dated did not have the same purpose or they were not on the same page as I was. It became increasingly more  frustrating as the years went on, things never seemed to work just like everyone else's relationships. I wanted to find the one for me and to start a life with someone who loved me. I felt during the fall that that dream was not going to happen anytime soon. 

I continued to date throughout the fall and early winter but once my birthday rolled around, I said STOP (imagine Brittany Spears in "Drive Me Crazy" music video) and I needed a change. I realized right after my birthday that I needed to change the way I dated. If I wanted a different result, I need to do something different. But at that moment, I realized even more, I need to fall in love with myself first before I could truly fall for anyone else. 

I knew I had to do some soul searching- Who am I? Who do I want to be? How do I want to be presented to the world? Who do I want to be with? I would think about these questions during the day, on my commute, before I went to bed and any free moment. I wanted to make sure I knew myself well before I started to learn about someone else. I needed to make myself a priority. How am I going to tell someone else about me, if I am having a hard time figuring that out for myself. 

I am proud that I have had this 'ah-ha' moment. I knew things were not working out in my favor and I felt very stuck. I needed a wake up call to help me realize what my true potential is. This revelation came at the perfect time, and it helped me see clearer when I was really missing. 

So just about two months into thirty two, I can say life after this revelation has been even better than I expected it to be. I have been so much more comfortable in my own skin, truly owning and embracing who I am.   I have been doing things that make me happy. I have been reading, crafting, exercising, staying more in touch with friends and building more intentional relationships and working on to improve my faith. 

I felt as if my faith over the years has been not as strong as I wanted it to be and I figured this is the perfect time to work on it. This has brought me more peace and contentment in my daily living. I will continue to grow and learn each day with my faith. This is not something you can just learn in one day. 

As for dating, I realized that building a foundation of trust and friendship is very important for me. I felt as if I had always jumped from strangers right into dating and then building a foundation. It never worked for me that way and more times than none, ended in heartbreak. I started to do some research about dating and how to build the right foundation for a lasting relationship and I stumbled upon a term- Courting. I was immediately drawn to this; In courting, you are friends first, slowly building the foundation for a relationship before entering into a relationship. There is a period of getting to know each other called "courting" before mutually agreeing to enter into a relationship. This is exactly what I had been looking for.  A big foundation for a relationship for me is trust- trust isn't something that should be immediately given then proven over time- it should be proven over time, slowly and then given to the other person. I am curious to see how this works out if and when I decide to start to date/court again.

I am still working on it all, as it is a ever evolving process but I think I am finally on the right track. Turning thirty two has been more of an eye-opening experience than I ever thought it would be.

Have you had an 'ah-ha' moment that lets you see everything so clearly that has been clouding your judgment and thoughts? Have you made steps to change things to improve you life form this 'ah-ha' moment?

[[the pain you have been feeling, can't compare to the joy that is coming. Romans 8:18]]

-gabrielle