Can't Sleep

This is unfinished draft; I would start to write randomly and this would end up in my drafts folder. I am publishing this to include as if this was my physical journal.

Hello. I know there has been a long silence on here but I don't know what I want or who I am. Maybe today I am just stuck in a rut because I said something that B was caught off guard and it was against what I normally say- I am usually so much more reserved and nice about things but to tell you the truth, wedding planning is driving me bonkers. There has been so many things I wished I did sooner- 1. sit down our parents and outline what our expectations are for the wedding planning process
2. not let others influence my opinon of things
3. not been as sick as I was when I got engaged
4. set boundaries
5. do more things on my own
6. have realistic expecatations for this experience
7. speak up when I didnt like something

I think I could have done all of these things besides not being sick which is completely out of my control and it scares me that quite possibly on one of the most important days of my life, I could be sick as a dog and I cant do anything to ward that off. Having Crohn's disease has taught me so much about myself and some things I like, other things I want to try to hid because they are ugly sides. anyone who has dealt with a chronic illness, knows how frustrating this is. you can plan for every thing yet WHAM! you have a flare and there really is nothing that can be done.
Trying to make others understand this invisible illness has really been frustrating for me- it is something that is hard for me to understand(and it still is) and to try to explain that to others who don't comprehend what you are saying makes it even harder- especially when they don't want to understand (IMO). They think if you are up and about, you are fine. I don't know how to explain it.

I want to do something grand yet I am lazy AF. I see people who IMO have it way worse than I do yet they are running a company or starting a foundation and here I am barely able to organize papers at home or keep on a schedule of some sort outside of work. I feel like people have this idea about me that I am so organized and so perfect at home yet I feel like I am lazy and unmotivated all the time. one day I will come home after work and be able to do wash,  the dishes, clean up, vaccum and other things yet other days, all I want to do is sit and do nothing. I worry that something is wrong on those days when I don't want to do something.