Savoring my Single Season/ The Gauntlet

I made a conscious decision to not date during "the gauntlet". 

What's "the gauntlet" you ask?

I would love to tell you, thanks for asking. 

 After ending a relationship in August 2023, I decided to take my time and not date for a while. I joined a dating app in October 2023 (so much for not dating for a while LOL)  and found myself one prospective suitor. I went on one lunch date with him and then realized I did not wait to date anymore. I didn't want to spend another stretch of  holidays with a new boyfriend and strange people (his relatives). The stretch of holidays is halloween-election day-veterans day-thanksgiving-christmas-new years-my birthday-valentines day or what I like to call the gauntlet. You know you keep going through it, even though it's rough and never ending and exhausting. 

I really didn't want to make small talk anymore. I didn't want to share my favorite color, my favorite food or my favorite show. I was completely over it. 

I made the conscious decision to not date, not to seek out a relationship for the next few months. 

________

I wrote about my Single season in 2022 and while I've had my fair share of Boyfriends over the years; I've spent many many holidays with their families and making polite small talk. 

I thought I found love twice but both times 

 

5 years ago...

I was dating this boy and he had me totally smitten. He held doors open for me, picked me up at my house (in this white car), always paid (even when I offered to pay), watched Disney movies and silly cartoon with me...you can see where I'm going- he was the perfect guy in a Taylor Swift song. When we came home for thanksgiving- we lived in the same town we went to see happy feet. It was a sweet movie but since we decided to go to a late showing, we assumed (you know what happens when you assume) it would be empty. Well we were SOOO wrong An eight year old little girl decided to have a birthday party at the movies and decided to stay up late and watch yup you guessed it- happy feet. It was precious and we laughed about it afterwards. It was a perfect date.
Unfortunatly it didn't work out and years went by and he admitted to me that he had made a mistake hurting me and it has eaten away at him for the past four years. Sweet right?! Well , not really because he graduated and moved outta state. Sounds like another Taylor Swift song right?
We still keep in contact, wishing each other happy birthday but that's it.

SO the whole point of this post was that Happy Feet 2 came out or is coming out this weekend and I got a fit of giggles when I realized that
1. It's been 5 years since we dated
2. Happy feet 2 is out
3. How much I want to call him and see if he wants to go see happy feet 2 this weekend for old times sake.

I will not be doing #3 but it would be nice.

God I feel old. 5 years is a long time.

A whole new world for you and me.
-Elle

I'm a turtle

Yes, I am a human but figuatively a turtle- let me explain

With my past in relationships- eh, there lack of, the guys I have dated always havent been mr. wonderful. At the time in my life, I thought they were wonderful, yet when I look back, I wonder what the hell was I thinking?! So I'm 23 right now and a friend introduced me to a wonderful man. I've been talking to him, for a bit and we have been having a hard time finally meeting- one weekend something came up and this weekend he had to go into work (for a bit). Well I have been so excited to meet him and I was looking forward to this all week and I even told the girls at work- which I  rarely talk about my personal life at work- and at first on friday night he said wasnt sure what time he is avaible tomorrow (ie saturday) and he would text me in the morning. Morning came and I had a text messge waiting for me and he said that He got called into work and can we move it to later today. I was crushed AGAIN and I didnt think and I just wrote, "WE CAN JUST FORGET ABOUT IT." I was so mad. He texted me later apologizing and asking why I was so rude about it. That was the end of my string and I blew up at him and said finally" You're a nice guy. Go find another girl who can deal with your crazy schedule and your lifestyle. Our lifestyles are completely different. We  just wont work. good bye."
WHY DID I SAY THIS?!?!

Then later that night  I texted him" I'm stubborn, irrational at times, i jump to conclusions way too early. I'm sorry. I was rude and arrogant. I try to protect myself from getting hurt and i push people away. i'm sorry. :("
 He says in paraphrasing- i have no idea what that has to do with me pushing us hanging out by a few hours. all i could say was i was just trying to apologize and explain why i did that. I havent heard from him since.
I screwed up royally with this guy. I am the first one to admit it. I jumped down his throat and not even asking any questions such as " what time were you thinking?" or " oh okay, maybe tomorrow?" no I just jumped to the conclusion and shut down

Now I am getting to the point of me being a turtle. When ever a guy got close to me and I got the feeling he was getting to know me too well, I would shut down and block him out IE. I would crawl back into my shell and try to forget about it.
When ever I think someone is trying to change my world aka my bubble, I get scared and i run away. I only do this in my dating life- go back into my shell and try to forget about what happened.

I am a turtle and I need help with it. =/

hey did you go.....

Today was a good day, before i went into work this afternoon, I stopped into Old Navy to return a pair of pants I bought online but they ended up being too big! (ahhhh yess!!) So I walk in and hop on line with 3 people in front of me. I had my iPhone in my hand and I anxiously was looking at it making sure I was keeping track of time. Luckily the 3 people in front of me didn't have really complex or complicated purchases so I am standing behind this man who is looking at the gift cards and then there is me, standing there in all black clothes, my bright teal bag and a small brown shopping bag with the pair of black pants, the cashier, a boy, looked at me while the man buying the gift card was swiping his credit card, said to me "oh you can put your bag up here, its alright" with my shyness, smiled and obliged. The man who bought the gift card left and this was the conversation that transpired:

cashier boy: hello
me: hi, i bought these online but they didn't fit
cashier: oh okay i can take care of this for you
cashier: ::::looking at the receipt, punching keys on the keyboard:::
me: :::smiling uncomfortably:::
cashier: okay $25 will go back on the card
me: :::rummaging through my HUGE bag::: do you need the card?? ::my voice trembling at this point::
cashier: did you go to _____? :::as he is finishing up the transaction:::
me: ::::stumbling over my words and super surprised:: uh uh yes  i did
cashier: i thought you looked familiar
me: :::racking my brain to think of something intelligent to say because I am so surprised by what he said:::  ::smiling and my face is probably red::: what year did you graduate?
cashier: 05
me: :::smiling:: 06
me: i'm gabrielle ::smiling thinking if that was okay to say:::
cashier: i'm nick :: as he is handing me the receipt:::
me: well it was nice to meet you, see you around
cashier: you too have a good day.

I walked out of Old Navy beaming, things like this happen but never to me and it got me excited and i bounced over to my job. I wouldn't say it was busy because it wasn't but I wouldn't say it was slow either. Today brought in a lot of foreigners that were quite mean and rude. I didn't mind their rudeness because I kept trying to think who this Nick character was and how did I know him besides seeing him at Old Navy.

Hmm, I'll have to see where this one goes.

Other than that I was feeling a lot better today until dinner when i ventured to eat chocolate ice cream =( oh well, i have been really doing well with this whole gluten free diet/lifestyle. Friday will be the one month mark.

with sparkling eyes, look for the beauty in everything.
-elle