Strength

This is unfinished draft; I would start to write randomly and this would end up in my drafts folder. I am publishing this to include as if this was my physical journal.

This popped into my head, thinking about MA and BQ. Men are thought they have to be strong and they have to be brave always m- doesnt matter the situation you are in, you are brave, strong and protect your country.

I've been on a lot of dates with all different types of men and the ones that stick out the most to me are those ones who are quietly confident in themselves. They are the ones who are physically strong- in might and looks, who are quiet in their manner and how they carry themselves. These men are the ones who will jump in and help anyone without thinking twice about it. They will shrug off the accolades and say it's the least they could do. They walk away from that situation and never to speak about it again. Those men, are the ones who I think are underrated,  they can sit at the bar for hours watching sports and not be bothered by the women around them who are trying to throw themselves at them. They just live their life unsuspecting anything will happen but when something does happen, they jump into action.  

If I'm looking to spend my life with someone, I want them to have quiet confidence and to be able to protect me in a way, I know I will always be safe with them. 

Midday thoughts- warm fuzzies

Warm Fuzzies. 

You know what I'm talking about- that feeling you get when you see your food come in a restaurant; the sweet note someone gives you and among other things,  the butterflies you get in your stomach when we see someone you love. (Okay that sometimes feels like a zoo, but you get the idea)

This weekend I decided to dive into my jar of warm fuzzies. Sweet notes I've collected over the years from different things I've been involved in. A love note from my first boyfriend; notes passed in class from best friends; backpats from marching band, RYLA, and various college weekend retreats and other random notes I've stuffed in this jar over the years. Reading them brought back so many good memories from over the years. 

It was funny to remember exactly who the warm fuzzy was from even with no name on it. It was a nice walk down memory lane and made me think about these nice things. 

Do you have a collection of sweet notes you have kept over the years?

More later!

-g

Midday thoughts- small things.

Happy friYAY! 

Most of the week, my midday thoughts were kinda heavy or sad. Today I want to talk about small things that make you happy. 

Here is my not complete and not limited list: 

• Bright colors
• Painting
• Flamingos
• Celebrating little accomplishments 
• New pencils in September 
• My family
• Game nights
• Fun shoes
• Good conversation 
• Unexpected things
• Puppies
• Photos
• Color coordinated desk supplies
• Yoga 
• Multi colored sprinkles 

Thinking about my happy list on Friday, makes me excited for what's next. 

Hope you are just 'a little sitious' today on this friday the 13th that also has a full moon! (That full moon may have explained my wacky week!) 

Have a great weekend! Check back next week for more midday thoughts! 

Midday thoughts- on mental health

This topic has been swirling around my head for a while since I started blogging again. 

Mental health is so important to talk about openly and not have a stigma around it. It's okay some days you do not feel like yourself and other days you do. 

I know from personal experience that you can't keep everything bottled up inside you, its not good for your well being. Talking it out with someone can be so beneficial. 

I have been internally struggling with things for the last few days on my own, not telling anyone how I've been feeling and then last night at dinner with my parents,  it all came out like word vomit. They sat and patiently listened and offered up their advice to me. After we got done talking,  I felt like there was a weight lifted off my shoulders. I asked myself, why didn't I open up sooner? That was silly of me to do! 

Letting people into your head and telling them what's on your mind can be hard and you are being vulnerable. but it truly helps sort out things that are making you feel not like yourself. 

Tips for sorting out your feelings:

1. Tell a trusted person in your life- a relative, a furry friend, a close friend, neighbor etc. Anyone you trust. 

2. Write it down. Doesn't matter in what order or if it makes sense, just get it onto the paper. 

3. After doing one of those things, do some self care- exercise, take a walk, a bath or something that makes you happy. 

4. Remember you are not alone in this, you have people who love you and want to help you, only if you let them in. 

You got this! You can accomplish anything that you put your mind to!

Found this on Instagram, so appropriate:  

Keep going! It will get easier! 

-g

Midday thoughts: never leave things unsaid

Always in our hearts, forever in our memories. Never forget 9/11. ❤

Always kiss you loved ones goodbye.

Never leave things unsaid.

Never go to bed angry.

You may not know it in the moment, but that might be the last time you see them. 

Reflecting on today, September 11th, I cannot imagine saying goodbye to someone in the morning and then never seeing them again. Today is a hard day to process your emotions and thinking about that makes me so sad. 

Tell your crush, you like them. 

Say hi to that girl you always see in the hallway.

Do the thing that you've been putting off. 

Order dessert first.

Speak your mind, even if your voice trembles. 

It's better to have spoken your truth than hid it. 

Don't postpone Joy or excitment or happiness because you may never know when you are going to get the chance again.

-g

On grief.

This is unfinished draft; I would start to write randomly and this would end up in my drafts folder. I am publishing this to include as if this was my physical journal.

Grief is a weird thing. Someone once described it to me as a wave, it comes and goes but never truly goes away. You learn to ride the waves of grief basically.

People were shocked how I was handling myself after the breakup. I held it together really well. I put on a brave face and said " I am happier than ever. Everything is better". Now over a month later, I think its hit me what I did, how I disrupted my life- not because I wanted to but because it was out of necessity. I couldnt like so unhappily anyone. I made a decision based on my quality of life. 

Now after the dust has settled, I am back with my parents living and picking up the pieces. I have dealt with the vendors and the reality that we lost a lot of money. To make matters worse, my wedding dress was picked up today. Its currently hanging in the quiet room. Like a constant reminder of my failed marriage. It makes me sad that I was so sick during the planning process that I never enjoyed it. There are so many things I would do different looking back. BASICALLY everything. 

Everyone grieves differently. 

Midday thoughts: On endings and beginnings

Today is another odd day. I reflect today on the sheer fact that endings sucks. It doesn't matter what type of ending it is, they are never easy- saying goodbye to a love one in hospice; ending a lifestyle you lived for many decades; goodbye to the normal you once knew. It doesn't make it any easier that you say good bye in the morning or afternoon or evening. Endings are big, dramatic and filled with uncertain feelings for the future. 

Endings are necessary for many things, to protect yourself from being hurt, to reignite your desire to do something or just purely out of boredom. You need a change, so you end something and then restart something else. 

If we play the "what if" game, I can counter hard goodbyes with new beginnings. A new chance and a new way to put yourself into a position of goodness. Beginnings allow you to make a conscious choice to do what you need to make yourself happy. A beginning is a new start for you. It doesn't matter how many new beginnings you may have, you always have the choice to start new. 

For the cliffsnotes version- endings are hard, beginnings are hard but necessary. You have the choice to end things and then start something new.  

More later!

-g

Midday thoughts- on being alone

As I've been sitting at my desk, making my way through my to-do list today. Sadness overcame me. I started thinking about the last year and how lately I've felt very alone. Now, I know what you are going to say, you have friends and family that love you; and yes, I totally do but I don't have a best friend that I can text or call at anytime that will be able to give me advise or help or just calm me down. It's always me. I've become dependent on myself and it sucks. 

I needed someone to vent to this past weekend in particular but no one was around- it's not their faults either, they have their own lives, families and issuses to deal with. 

I tried to start dating again and I dont like it one bit. Meeting someone today is exponentially harder than really anything I've ever seen. There is almost always hidden agendas, secrets, and things you (i) don't want to be exposed to. You dont know how someone will take something you say jokingly, everyone has their own stories and issues. I get it, we are all human. It's like picking the best of the worst and I dont want to pick nor do I want to put myself into that mix again. I have been dating for almost 10 years and I have yet to settle down. 

Does this make me ineligible at 31 years old? 

Does this make me undateable because I've been through so much, a man just wants an easy woman? 

Does this say that I'm picky and not sorta bitchy? 

Does this make me ???? 

Am I too picky and have to high of standards? Did this world become too lazy and people want quick and easy and not want to work for anything any more?

How do people meet their significant other, not online? Is it through friends or just that random night in the bar, like something out of a romantic comedy?

I ended up going to lunch with an ex this weekend and I honestly thought we would sit down, chat, have a drink then part ways after an hour or so. Nope, we laughed, and drank and had probably the best time neither one of us ever thought we would have. We both grew up alot in the 4 years since we broke up and surprisingly enough, he apologized for being such an jerk when we broke up. He was too cocky for his own good( in his own words) and didnt realize what he had done until his parents were furious that he let me "get away". We both revealed some random things to us and we strolled down memory lane. He said some really nice things to me and as usual, I just blushed and said thank you. 

If your ex, apologizes years later for what he did when you two were dating and how he regretted it, what would you do? 

My mind is still spinning from that lunch. I dont know if it was the sangria or the unexpected apology but it got me thinking about relationships and how you are in a relationship is directly proportional to the other person. 

I think I probably should stop rambling and go get some fresh air. 

More later!

-g

Slow Down Sunday

Hi! This weekend was a weekend. In the best possible way. Was it slow? nope. Was it a little hectic? yes. Did the universe kinda mess with my head? why yes it did. Did I drink all the rose' and sangrias? why yes of course, they were delicious (and probably my kryptonite).

Its Sunday night and I have been in bed for about 2 hours already. Do I care? Not really because for me this is self care- crawling into bed, watching the last few episodes of The Good Place and just breathing.

As I reflect on my weekend, I am happy how it went but my little head hurts. I have so many questions/situations/memories swirling around in my head, I feel like Chidi on the Good Place trying to make a decision.

None the less, I enjoyed the beautiful weather, had a lot of laughs, ate all the food and got to have some really great conversations. I was present, I felt for most of the weekend and enjoyed it. That is something, I feel that most people do not do- be present. We are all so connected via our smartphones and yet we are so far away from people. We live through our phone screens and its sad. I hope I can improve on being more present in life and actually showing up for it not just watching it through my phone's camera.

Have a wondeful night, do some self-care, get ready for this week and always remember to smile.

-g

thoughts on change and Seasons

I wrote this originally back in September.  This is unfinished and thought it was important to include on my blog.

Its funny that change has been happening to me a lot lately. I feel like I have embraced change much better than I have imagined I would lately. In this season of change, I feel like I am finally speaking up for what I exactly want, showing my true feelings and not letting things get to me as much. When all this change started, I kept seeing monarch butterflies cross my path. the first two that passed by me, I totally thought they were flukes. I've always seen them from afar but it seemed at that time, that they were making a point to cross in front of me so I was for sure to notice them. After the fifth one, I decided to look up the meaning of seeing monarch butterflies. What it said, surprised me.  I didn't know what was ahead but someone was trying to send me a signal.

If you are wondering, if you see a monarch butterfly, "Transformation and rebirth are some of the symbolic meanings of a monarch butterfly. Therefore when you see a monarch butterfly, spiritually it means you need to make a change in your life."

My first run-in with these butterflies, I ended a relationship. I don't know what I am supposed to change now. I wonder who or what is trying to send me a signal that I need a change in my life.

I feel like I am in a new season of my life- I am focusing on me.

Thursday's Thoughts

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It's been a long week and I am happy it almost over.  These short weeks seem to be the longest feeling, to me at least. I got a lot accomplished this week yet I also feel like I have so much to do. ::shoulder shrug::

• I started to paint again this week. It has brought me happiness and more creativity into my life. 
• In some weird twist of events, people from my past have wandered back into my life. I don't know the specific reason but they seem to be helping me remember my old true self (which I've been looking for, for a while now).
• I went to see "Ready or Not" on Monday night and it was actually really good. I guess the universe sends you things that you need to see at the right moment. I totally recommend it!
• Tried a new restaurant on Monday as well- BJ's Brewhouse was awesome. I am a sucker for a good sangria and a good club sandwich and both blew me away. Also Monkey Bread for dessert was the icing on the top of the perfect cupcake type dinner.
•  I have three new books sitting on my night stand. I can't wait to jump into them.
• Life is getting better. I know it always does, and it takes time but latley I have been feeling more and more better about everything that has gone on and what is currently going on. 

Also my Blogger is not allowing me to upload photos. I do apologize for the bland and not fun posts lately. I am trying to work on it. 

Grow through what you go through. 💓

-g

Small Moments

Today was the first day back after the long weekend. It was a quick productive day. My coworker found a few mistakes that I made with training for my new position. I am sorta confident in myself that I can do this new position but its still scary. Its a lot of responsibility. 

On lunch, I went over to the library and they had a program called "Peace Path". They set up in a large room a walking path with luminaries and peaceful music playing. You can walk the path or sit quietly in the room. After walking the path, I sat in the room for 10 minutes in silence. It was such a treat, in the middle of the workday, to sit in silence and not worry about anything. I wish they had this program ALL the time. After you were done in the room, there was a large basket of flowers that you could take. I chose a deep purple carnation. Such a simple but powerful thing- sitting in silence- that can make you feel so much better. 

After work, I decided to paint. Boy after a month long break, it felt good to throw some paint around. Looking at all the paint colors, I couldn't wait to get something on the canvas. It made me so happy tonight. 

I hope you enjoy not only the big moments but all the small moments too. 

Joy comes to us in ordinary moments. We risk missing out when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary. -Brene Brown

-G

New Beginnings.

Happy September!

Today I felt something I have not felt in a long time- a renewed sense of joy. 
The last month has been a roller coaster of emotions. I have become stronger- mentally and physically, smarter and more in control of my life.

Today, I spent the afternoon in the sunshine, catching up on everything I missed out on this summer- Picnic, walk, ice cream, and mini golf. It was a perfect day. 

I am ready to face September head on. I have a lot on my plate and I cannot wait to see what's next for me.  I am going to focus on the JOY in my life this month and I cannot wait to see how JOY comes to me.

Today I found JOY: looking out into the deep blue sea, playing uno, long walks, tiny putt putt courses and in rainbow sprinkles.

Seek joy everywhere.

G